Gavin F. Hurley, author of The Playbook of Persuasive Reasoning; Twitter @Gavin_F_Hurley

In The Win Without Pitching Manifesto (2010), Blair Enns cautions against pushiness when selling products and services. Similar principles can apply to effective everyday communication. When we are pushy, we come across as argumentative. We bristle our audience; their hackles go up; they become defensive. We probably want to avoid that.

In a way, all of us market our ideas within everyday communication. Especially when seeking to persuade, we strive to sell ideas to readers and listeners. But the ideas are only part of the persuasive equation. We can often forget this. We should additionally attend to the communication experience itself. When we specifically craft comfortable communication experiences, we put our audiences at ease. We become less caught up in winning. We prioritize the relationship. We communicate care.

Since many people do not want to be told what to do or how to think, a soft touch can foster conversation rather than confrontation. As such, we can employ strategies to soften our approach—and communicate respect in the process.

Invite them in

Often people become defensive if told what they should believe. So instead of blurting out our positions, we can merely gesture to evidence without any explicit interpretation. Essentially, we act as a tour guide. For example: instead of arguing with our uncle about how he should stop smoking cigarettes, we do not have to raise the argument at all. Rather, we can mention that two of our friends have suffered complications from smoking. And that’s it. No explicit imperative. No deductive “therefore.” No “you should.” No “you ought to.”

The absence becomes a persuasive invitation. We follow the common writerly advice “show don’t tell”—but apply it to the art of argumentation. We invite our partner into the logic, not by leaving out a part of the logic but by leaving out the logic altogether. We supply the evidence—and count on them to stitch together the logic. So rather than undercut their rationality by telling them how to live or what to believe, we celebrate their autonomy as thinkers. We show that we have faith in their intelligence.

The upside? Our partner makes the logical connections. They appreciate the favorable vote of confidence—and more deeply understand the ideas. The downside? They may be oblivious and not catch what particular evidence implies. Clearly, it depends on topic, occasion, and the logical faculties of our partner, so we want to be discerning. The strategy may not always garner results. But when it does, it can be quite persuasive.

Showcase some style

Sometimes it can be difficult to attract attention. But much like wearing a stylish outfit at a cocktail party can draw people to us, our communication style can also draw people to us.

Our writing or speaking style can communicate something about us. Do we want to seem balanced and fair? We can discuss balanced and fair content—but we can also deliver it with a controlled tone and disposition. Do we want to appear strong and secure? We can discuss brave topics—but we can also use confident words and punchy sentences. Ultimately, our style crafts a feel that enhances the ideas themselves. We “show” with style rather than only “tell” with content.

If done well, a “showing” style should effortlessly draw others to us. It should naturally attract readers to want to read. It should naturally entice listeners to want to listen. A lively style washes over our audience so that the ideas become immersive. The thinking becomes precise through precise nouns; the reading quickens from snappier sentences; the speech crackles with electric verbs.

In short, an effective style helps people want to understand our ideas. By fostering this desire, we cultivate persuasive communication experiences. And when we achieve such purposeful style, we may not be tempted to overcompensate with overly aggressive arguments.

Get people to lean in

As centuries of rhetoricians have made clear, persuasion is a versatile art. If not crafted with purpose and care, its power fades. Like all arts, persuasion concerns nuance and subtlety. And as communicators, we are tasked with inspiring audiences to want to engage with this nuance and subtlety. It is up to us to make it interesting.

In The Win Without Pitching Manifesto, Enns acutely references a quote by Chinese philosopher Confucius: “When you speak softly people lean in, when you shout people lean back.” In this way, sheer artistry helps people “speak softly” so that audiences lean in—and when done well, audiences want to lean in. Like any artist, this is what we want. We want audiences to want to lean in.

Conversely, loud argumentative people—spoken or written—inevitably distribute their message to plenty of people. Unfortunately, we see this heavy-handedness everywhere. Whether it is a street corner preacher shouting Bible verses—or our cousin who writes confrontational Facebook posts in all-caps. They may force attention, but not all attention is the same. Forced attention is quite different than willful attention. After all, seldom do we actually engage with the street corner preacher. Seldom do we actually read (or want to read) our cousin’s social media posts.

Loudness is a desperate attempt to persuade. After all, ideas that radiate value don’t need to be shouted.  And they don’t have to be overly justified. The quality should speak for itself. In this way, we can have confidence in our quality ideas. We have confidence that audiences will naturally fall in love with the value of these ideas. To this end, when we spark audiences’ interests and give them room to recognize value, they inevitably lean in.

In sum—

While effective communication necessarily involves cooperation, it doesn’t necessarily involve conflict. Although thoughtful argumentation can indeed be persuasive, we don’t always have to rely on explicit argumentation. Our approach to communication itself can more subtly persuade. Audiences can be simply drawn to our evidence, style, and artistry at work. The experience itself becomes the message. And when done well, audiences can be drawn to this experience—and, as a result, they become more open to our ideas. They leave the interaction feeling peaceful even if they strongly disagree with our perspective.

All in all, we shouldn’t rule out the peaceable dimensions of persuasion. Sometimes softer strategies project more power.